Advice Male Perspective

Falling for Someone Else’s Beau

It is the subject of countless romantic movies, but it is rare that things work out as well in the cinema.  Of course this is in reference to falling for someone else’s beau.  Friends typically share similar tastes, so it is very common to find yourself attracted to a friend’s significant other, as often the qualities that your friend found attractive in them are very similar to the ones you are looking for in a mate.  However, acting on such impulses can be destructive not only for your friendship, but for yourself.

Unlike the movies if you ever make romantic overtures to your friend’s partner it is going to be ugly.  Your friendship with your friend will be effectively over, and furthermore your former friend will not only look on your as a non-entity in their life, but an enemy.  Thus, even if you win over their partner, and the two of you begin dating, it is very likely that your friend will do everything they can to undermine you.  To your friend you will be seen as the person who they trusted that destroyed their love life.  Your friend will not be happy for you, or wish you well in your romantic endeavor.  So if you are thinking of making romantic overtures to your friend’s partner think long and hard about it because the cost will likely be your friendship with your friend.

When you’re faced with this sort of situation you have to ask yourself what you value more, your friendship with your friend or a potential romantic relationship with their partner?  Just because you have romantic feelings for your friend’s partner doesn’t mean it’s reciprocated.  It may even be a case of your friend’s partner being naturally flirtatious or friendly and you’ve misread things.  So if you act on what you’re feeling you may not only lose your friend, but not even gain a romantic relationship through those actions.

If you do act on your feelings, and your friend’s partner is receptive, you are still left in a very confusing situation.  Questions about the future of your relationship with your friend’s partner will surface.  If they suggest that the two of you should keep it a secret to spare your friend’s feelings what is really happening is you’re being used.  Establishing this sort of arrangement allows your friend’s partner to have an intimate relationship with you, but with none of the ensuing responsibilities that go along with it.  Additionally, it means that the relationship you develop with them is not proceeding under normal circumstances and may not have any realistic chance to survive once it’s been revealed to the world at large.  The keeping of the relationship a secret will only heighten your friend’s sense of betrayal and lead to a great deal of anger.

Even if your relationship with your friend’s partner manages to survive such stressful beginnings issue of trust will always be present.  You will always be left with questions about whether or not they will stay with you or if they will leave you for one of your friends in the future.  After all it’s quite common for this sort of pattern to repeat itself over and over again.

Knowing how ugly this kind of situation can become is why men have an unwritten rule that they will not to try to steal each other’s girlfriends or date an ex of a friend unless the friend gives their okay.In some cases the rule will be extended to where men won’t even date a woman that their friend is interested in.  Part of the establishment of this rule comes from the realization that friendships will typically outlast most romantic relationships and also that finding a friend you truly trust is very difficult and rare.  So to show the value that men place on friendships this rule was established and followed to avoid damaging them.

Really though what you should be doing if you find yourself attracted to your friend’s beau is sit down and make a list of the qualities you find so attractive about them and then see if you can find someone else who matches that list.  It’s an alternative that is far healthier and will allow you to develop a romantic relationship with someone that will have a better chance to become something long lasting.

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