Advice Male Perspective

The Male Perspective: The First Time With Someone New

As almost everyone knows the first real pivotal moment when you’re dating someone is the first time you have sex together.  Despite everyone wanting to downplay the importance of it, having sex with someone really does change everything.  It brings to the forefront all sorts of feelings, some of which you didn’t know you had, and it can bring you closer together, or it can tear the relationship completely apart.  So the more you give thought to what you do before and after you first have sex with the person you’re dating, the better the odds will be that it will lead to a deepening of the relationship rather than its end.

In a lot of ways the more you know about how your partner truly feels about you beforehand the better as it will reduce the likelihood of either you feeling awkward afterwards.  To achieve this will mean not rushing into having sex right away, but spending time getting to know each other.  The more different type of situations you spend time together in the more you’ll have a stronger idea of how much of what you’re seeing is the genuine person.  If you can have him meet your friends and family, and take the time to meet his,it will give you a good indicationif there are some real feelings involved in the relationship and that it isn’t all about trying to seduce you.

Also, the more you experiment with different acts of foreplay during your dates,before your first time together, the more it will make the act of sex seem like a smaller step rather than a giant leap in your relationship.  Additionally, doing so will give each of you a better idea about the other person’s likes and dislikes, which will help both of you when you finally do become sexually intimate together.

For many though it is the afterwards that causes the greatest amount of concern.  Many have been through the experience where once the sex was finished one or both people started acting awkward or one of you left almost immediately afterwards.  Neither are good signs for the future of the relationship, but if both people truly care about each other they are not insurmountable.

If one or both of you start to act awkward what you can do is to tell the other to take a moment to just stop, sit down, close their eyes, hug each other and just breathe in and out.  A lot of what is happening is a sense of almost irrational panic where you each are questioning what it means and what each of you now expect from the other.  So taking a moment to calm down before talking is highly recommended so that your doubts and fears don’t get the better of you.  You also might want to go to sleep together and talk about it in the morning when each of your emotions will be in a less heightened state.  Once you do sit down to talk through things, you need to remind each of other of what you said to each other beforehand and ask if that’s still true now.  You also need to discuss whether each of your expectations for the relationship are the same or whether they’ve now changed because you had sex together.  The more each of you make the other feel that it is a safe environment to discuss openly and honestly how you both feel, the greater the chances that you’ll be able to set aside any doubts or fears.

The real worrying situation is when one of you leaves almost immediately after you first had sex together.  The reason why often has nothing to do with whether the sex was good or not, but more what that person was feeling.  Sometimes a person tries to run out after having sex because they feel fear from being so intimate and vulnerable around another human being.  Added to that are usually all sorts of ideas about what the other person will now expect from them which they don’t feel they’re prepared to give or they’re not sure they’re capable of providing.  This is typical in cases where sex has occurred too soon in a relationship and/or the person has not reached the necessary maturity level to be in a committed relationship.  If you want to see if you can continue the relationship ultimately all you can do is wait to see if they get back in touch with you.  Chasing after them will not be effective as it will just cause them to run further away due to their insecurities.  If they do contact you, the best approach when talking to them is to be very low key and non-judgemental.  The more you do, the more you will alleviate their fears.  If you want a good example from a movie of this very thing pick up a copy of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past starring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner.  It perfectly illustrates how a man can be overcome with panic when they get close to a woman.

The situation where there is really no future for the relationship is when not only the person leaves immediately after sex, but later on you start to hear rumours that they just saw you as a sexual conquest.  Usually you’ll have a gut feeling and unease prior to having sex with them, which you’ll only realize in retrospect.  This unease usually will be because you know the relationship is moving very quickly, you know almost nothing about them, you haven’t met any of their friends or family, nor have they met yours, and you have a sense that they haven’t told anyone that they’re dating you.  Sadly the only thing you can do at this point is to learn from the experience by slowing things down with the next person you date and to trust your instincts more.

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