Often when you find yourself going from relationship to relationship you begin to question if there is anyone out there who would be an ideal match for you. Such thoughts are inevitable if you’ve been through a series of unfulfilling dates. Yet, what this sort of thinking is usually pointing out is confusion about what you really want in a mate. While there is a habit of daydreaming about a mythical image of who our ideal love would be, it is very seldom that true critical thought is applied to try to figure out in the real world who that would be.
One of the most obvious ways is to make a list of all your ex-romantic partners and a list of all their qualities that you found attractive about them. Detail each of your exes on a separate piece of paper along with the list of their attractive qualities. Now compare the lists and look at what they had in common. You may be very surprised at the results. What most people find is that their exes had at least 4-5 qualities in common which they found attractive. They might be physical, mental, emotional, creative, or artistic qualities, but they are there nevertheless. It is those qualities which will likely form the minimum basis of what an ideal match for you will need to have.
Next, take each separate piece of paper with each of your exes on it, and list all the qualities you disliked about them. Again, the key is to list those qualities you disliked about your exes separately. Now compare those qualities and look for the ones that your various exes had in common. There are two ways to look at these common disliked qualities. Either they are elements in a person which you’re willing to tolerate in an ideal mate, or they represent a failure on your part where you keep picking a romantic partner that has them which is why the relationships ultimately fail. In either case doing this exercise will make you are aware of them and help you decide if you are willing to accept someone that possesses those disliked qualities or not.
As a next step, survey your family and friends separately and ask each one what sort of person would make the ideal match for you. Try to ask for details on the physical type, personality traits, occupation, and any other pertinent detail you can think of. Then compare the results to see what each person said that was in common. Now compare it to your own list of attractive qualities. Do they have anything that is similar or not? If the two master lists of attractive qualities are extremely dissimilar you need to ask yourself if perhaps your family and friends are picking up on something that you’re not. Often it very difficult to be objective about ourselves and our love life, however, our family and friends are not so encumbered. So take that into consideration when reviewing the results you gathered from them and maybe think about trying to target a romantic partner that more closely skews to what they’re recommending.
There are various online dating sites that offer survey questions that are designed to assess the sort of qualities you are looking for in a mate. While the surveys are usually more generalized they can be useful in providing at least a ballpark idea of what your ideal mate might be like.
Thinking back to what you envisioned as your ideal mate at earlier ages can be instructive as often such an exercise can help identify what it was about our ex-partners that you felt was lacking. As we grow older we can sometimes overlook certain qualities that we still desire in a mate that we are not finding in partner after partner. The only way to identify what those qualities are is to think back and put ourselves in the mindset of our past self.
Lastly, it is important to remember that who our ideal mate is will not be perfect. So be careful about how specific you make out your ideal mate to be because often when you finally find that person they’ll have qualities that you never imagine they would, but that are critical to what makes that relationship work.
