There is a reason relationships fall apart. You might have been in an intense, passionate relationship that you thought was going to last forever (or at least last for a long, long time). Except, over time, things started to become difficult. Maybe the man you were with wasn’t doing romantic things for you anymore and stopped paying attention to you in the way that you were used to. And then, eventually, you ended up breaking up. Except now you are sitting here wondering whether you should get back with your ex.
When making this decision, think about the following considerations before choosing:
#1: What was the quality of the time you spent together like?
Was your relationship really good when you were together? Did you get to enjoy the time you spent together, laugh and have fun? Or was it an up and down roller coaster, where things were fine one minute and then chaotic the next? This is important because you do not want to get back into a relationship where you are going to be on a constant emotional roller coaster again. Now that you are away from the relationship, it’s useful to really think about what your life was like when you were together. It’s not useful to obsess over him or look for hidden signs he still loves you – you’ll wind up going in circles. Try to look at it from an objective lens, rather than through rose-tinted glasses. Idealizing the relationship is a very common mistake people make when they end a relationship and look back on how good things were. Was it that things actually were good or do you just think they were because you are only remembering select parts of the relationship? This is very important.
#2: How did the relationship end?
Did someone cheat? If he cheated or you cheated, this is a sign that the relationship had fundamental problems that might not be fixable – plus if you cheated it’s unlikely your ex wants you back. If it was a one-time mistake, though, versus a consistent affair, this might be fixable.
Did the relationship end with horrible fighting? What was the nature of your fighting? If you were fighting in a way where you were hurling horrible insults at each other and completely going after each other in a cruel, vicious way… this is a sign that you shouldn’t get back together with your ex (that is, unless you both have a serious conversation and make a pact to change). If you’ve been following the no contact rule with your ex, it’s more likely you will have good perspective on why the relationship ended.
#3: Do you miss him because you were used to him or because there was a genuine compatibility?
This is key when determining whether you should or should not get back together with your ex. If you’re feeling jealous because you think he’s in a rebound relationship, that’s not a very good reason to get back together. It turns out there are two different kinds of “missing someone.” The first is based on you feeling very alone and missing the comfort of knowing you “had” a relationship. You were with someone and felt like you had some kind of certainty that you had a life partner. If you miss the idea of being in a relationship this is different than actually missing him and who he is as a person. Really reflect on whether you miss him and the human being he is or whether you miss the notion of being with someone.
Nick Bastion is a dating and relationships expert with over 10 years of experience helping men and women have the love lives they’ve always wanted. You can find more of his writing at Vixen Daily in the Love and Relationships section.